Lori over at Redheaded Stranger wrote this great post about what she calls Fat Girl Talk. You know... the way you relate to the world (and men specifically) when you are overweight.
I know that I relate in a really, really bad way. I tend to go into situations already assuming that people are going to discredit and reject me based on my outward appearance. I know that, by starting out with that assumption gives off a certain air about me, and it no doubt affects how friendly I come across. If I am out somewhere, I find myself looking down at the ground when I walk. I try not to engage strangers in conversation because I have grown tired of the uncomfortable looks I get. To me, it seems as though people are uncomfortable that I am talking to them in public. Men especially.
With people that I already have a relationship with I find that I am more confident, but definitly more cynical and rough-around-the-edges. I tend to have a potty mouth, so much sometimes it would make a truck driver blush. I have a good sense of humor, but can oftentimes be a little off color or borderline offensive. I don't tell nasty jokes, but I certainly don't hesitate to say what is really on my mind. I'm used to a lifetime of having to make up for my size by being funny. It's not enough, as a fat chick, to be intelligent. You have to have some personality trait that makes your size tolerable.
Sure, I do not weigh nearly what I used to. My all time high was 210-220. Right now I am 164. I found that once I lost some of the weight, I became more friendly. More willing to smile or start a conversation. I quickly found out that people's reactions were still the same because, after all, I was still fat. Just not as fat. The strangers that I was talking to didn't know the fatter version of me... so they couldn't see me as the thinner version. They just saw the fat chick who was talking at them.
I don't know how things will change once I lose this last bit of weight. I don't know that I will be less sarcastic or cynical. I will probably be more willing to look people in the eye when I am out in public. I hope to god I don't turn into an overconfident, snotty bitch. I wouldn't be critical of overweight people, but I would probably turn into a egomaniac. That's what scares me most about being thin. Turning into an asshole.
Fat Girl Talk
Smokin' hot... in my dreams.
One of the things that really annoys me about being overweight is Inaccurate Body Image. I spend time doing my hair, putting on makeup, slipping into an outfit that I feel good about, and stepping out for the evening. I think to myself, damn girl, you're looking pretty good tonight if I do say so myself.
Then I arrive at my destination. All I can see are females who are thinner/more stylish/prettier/sexier/whatever. My self esteem plummets. Any inkling of my true self - confident, friendly, humorous, intelligent - is smothered by my overweight, uncomfortable, insecure jealous fat self.
That is one of the most dissapointing and defeating parts of being overweight. Self loathing, degrading thoughts coupled with envy over every female around me for one reason or another. It's really unhealthy, especially when I read back over this now. It really sucks to feel so good one minute, and so physically inadequate the next.
I realize that hitting my goal weight is not going to magically make me secure and self confident. But, it sure would be nice not to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. It would be nice to not think about how I look, and actually keep my head held high when I walk through a sea of people.
Part of losing weight and achieiving goals is learning to love yourself for what you are. I read a lot of "fat acceptance" blogs, and admire those women for loving themselves regardless of size or shape. I have a hard time imagining loving myself the way I am. I spent the majority of my life dealing with the world rejecting me based on physical appearance, and have a tainted attitude about myself because of it.
I know that, in addition to actually staying committed to losing weight, I also have to cultivate a healthy level of self esteem. I know that goal weight will not make me perfect - I will always have stretch marks from being so heavy and birthing a set of twins. I will always have the c-section scar. I will need plastic surgery if I want perky breasts or tight skin again. I will also have to spend more time being interested in fashion and makeup if I want to learn to do it right so where it compliments my features. I know that, after losing the 60lbs I already lost in 2004/2005, I am more interested in "pretty" things - makeup, clothing, jewelry etc. I see that as an expression of love for myself... I love myself enough to spend time pampering myself. I have to learn to spend more time improving my self talk.
I just wish it wasn't so damn difficult.
