It's been FOREVER

I hate that I don't get to post frequently anymore. I've been so out of touch.

I've had mucho health problems over the past few months, and right now I am currently prepping for a *cough cough* colonoscopy tomorrow. OH THE HUMANITY. It has not been a pleasant prep... but I will be thankful when it is over tomorrow. I'm just looking forward to the happy drugs that will knock me out... and make me feel like I'm not really caring about anything at all. :o) Yeah... it's the little things.

I will update after my procedure and decide from there which way my weight loss adventure will be heading.

Lead Belly and other oddities.

I slept terrible last night. I'm not quite sure what it was - perhaps the stupid frozen pizza I gorged myself on before bed - but it felt like I had ten pounds of lead in my upper abdomen all night long. It was terribly uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure I learned a lesson about late night eating. It's time to kick that bad habit. I am a habitual nail biter as well... and have only ceased biting them for short stretches of time - six months being the longest (and man did my nails look beautiful). I thought I Learned A Lesson before on that front too - I decided after literally injuring myself so where it hurt to touch things with my fingers that it would behoove me to just Stop Doing That. I did fine for those 6 months, and then as soon as I started talking to my ex on the phone again POOF! There goes the beautiful nails. I really need to cut that out.

So, I decided to weigh myself this morning because I was interested to know just how heavy my Lead Belly was. I am shocked... I was 176 last week (with a visit from Aunt Flo) and this morning I was 172.5 Interesting. I'll take it. I need to get out of the 170's. They depress me. Ideally, I would kill to be 150 for my court date next month but I know damn well that this will not happen. Too much weight to lose in a short amount of time. I'd love to be out of the 160's though, so if I put my all into it... perhaps, just perhaps... it might be possible.

I am a terrible procrastinator. I am notorious for waiting until the last minute to do things. I could have been doing the whole diet and exercise thing for the past what.... YEAR... and probably would be close to my goal by now instead of close to getting out of the Obese BMI category. Blah. Hindsight is 20/20 my friends.

I had lost the remote control for my DVD player a few weeks ago, and was ticked to find that I could not use my workout DVDs that have a menu because well.... no way to navigate the menu. It pissed me off royally. I finally had some extra cash so I got me one of those fancy Universal Remotes and whalla!!! MENU NAVIGATION! Forgot to buy a can of Motivation while I was out, though. Note to self - motivation is just as important as toilet paper. Must. Get. Some.

I sooo want to be smokin hot.

Moving my ass would probably help.

I've been doing decent on the healthy eating the past few days. I haven't been getting any exercise, though. I need to get into a routine. The only way to achieve that is to actually friggin START. I have no excuses, either, which really irritates me. I am all about the excuses. I tried to come up with atleast one halfway believable reason as to why I didn't exercise. The weather? Nah... it's actually been rather pleasant outside. Illness? Nope. I don't have the sniffles, the gout or a raging case of Ebola. Hmmm. I have a bad case of Lazy Assedness.

I wonder if that qualifies as a disease?

Grocery Store

First off, spank you very much ChunksBlog for noticing my little baby blog and linking to it. I appreciate the nod. No, this is not a fat acceptance blog. I don't know if I could ever just accept the way I look - mostly because the world is an evil, ugly place when you are overweight. After a lifetime of hearing how less-than I am because of my size, it is hard to love thyself. It is unfortunate, but true. I see what I am doing as more a self-improvement project rather than a quest to be skinny. Skinny won't fix the problems in my life. The journey I document here is more of a health quest than anything. I admire those of you out there who have learned to love yourself no matter how you look. That kind of self love is quality... it's REAL. Size 2 jeans does not equal self love. Taking care of your body to the best of your ability does. I could love myself all the way to the farmers market and back, but I may never be a size 2. I'm just looking for the moment where I feel comfortable in my own body.

I just returned home from the grocery store. I had exactly $100 to spend today, and I'm fairly pissed off about the results. I followed the suggestion of sticking to the perimeter of the store, because that is where the healthies foods are located. Well, fuck. That's where all the expensive stuff is too. My father used to say, "You can't have caviar on a hot dog budget." I was feeling that today, I tell ya.

First off, fruits and vegetables - EXPENSIVE. I either have to pay out the ass for higher quality, longer lasting produce... or go to the local produce stand and pay cheap prices for produce that spoils in just a day or two. I can't go shopping 3-4 times a week just to stay on top of rotting veggies. I also can't afford to buy fresh at the chain stores all the time. What's a girl to do?

The majority of the food residing in the middle aisles of the store is crap. Convenience foods. Snacks. Meals-in-a-box. CHEAP. I am a single mom with twin 5-year-olds. I can only afford so much, and then I have to pick and choose things from there that my kids won't turn their noses up at. Thankfully one twin appreciates the glory that is fresh salad. As long as she has her Ranch dressing, she will eat her salad. The other twin... not so much. She thinks chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, potpie and milk with chocolate syrup in it are the four main food groups. She is very picky. It is a nightmare going to the grocery store because I end up spending so much time arguing with myself in the aisles about whether the kids will eat something, and whether I can stomach feeding it to them.

I am finding it hard to stay focused on healthy choices when I look into my purse and notice that, hey, I.have.no.money. I go shopping with purpose - buy the kids the foods they will eat, and if there is any money left over... find something for yourself. Usually, I end up grabbing frozen Weight Watchers or Lean Cuisine meals. In 2004 I went on a diet, and consumed mainly frozen "diet" meals and salads. Sure, I lost 60lbs but it did nothing to teach me how to make better choices. I could easily lean back on that same diet again and probably lose more weight, but what will I achieve? Weight loss that is destined to come back.

I think I need to find someone to do the shopping for me. All it does is make me irritated.